I'm a Lumberjack, Yes I Am

    Over the years, I have watched relatively little television, and lawyer shows are a big reason that I turn the tv off. I've listened to the sharp clever dialogue and the alleged analytical skills that prove that by every logical reason, Mr. So-and-so had the motive, the means, and the method to do in either Mrs. So-and-so or her wannabe replacement. Juries are shown seriously pondering the logical proofs, but we all know that logic has very little to do with human reactions. I present this point of view for very self-serving reasons that seem funny to me, but what would a lawyer have made of the circumstances?
     We had had a very heavy thunderstorm one night, and we awoke to tree limbs down and branches dangling and debris scattered throughout the area. It happened to be a day for Pat to come and clean, and I took advantage of my short time off to get to a hardware store where I purchased a small chain saw to cut the fallen limbs into logs and to trim the dangling branches and twigs from the tree trunk. I did not give it much thought; I just went and got one.
     The night before, Mom and I had had one of our spats over whether or not leftovers were suitable for the Queen; but I wasn't thinking of that when I examined various sizes and weights of saws. I knew I needed a lightweight one that I could hold, and that is all I was considering. The dawn of awareness came when I returned home and Mom's eyes opened very, very WIDE. She stared at me, at the saw, and a look of deep fear took over.
     Now, I will grant that at that moment I could be said to have had a motive. I clearly held a means and method. The fact that I have never wanted to harm anyone suddenly seemed frighteningly unprovable. By sheer lawyer logic I could have been convicted on the spot, except that there was no crime. Nevertheless, I spent a sleepless night trying to prove to an imaginary judge and jury that I bought that chain saw for the branches, which I did. I have used it many times in the past several years now; and while Mom still bleeds easily and does often look as if someone really has attacked her, she does so in the relative safety of the nursing home, just as she did in the more questionable safety of the hospital and in the best safety I could provide at home.
     Once she knew how I used the saw, she would get herself to the living room window and smile and even applaud my performance. I don't think she ever had imagined her daughter, whom she had trouble understanding all our mutual lives, would become a lumberjack. The thought tickled her, which, it seems obvious to me, is not the logical effect of chain saws. I'd like to rest my case.
     It is essentially a question not of logic or clever lawyering but of personal morality. The old saw of a different kind, the thought is equal to the deed, is so blatantly false as to be insulting, not to mention extremely dangerous. Human imagination will produce an endless chain of thoughts, images, fears, possibilities, dreams, nightmares, alternatives. They serve us well much of the time, allowing us to prepare for contingencies. It is what we do once those images rise to consciousness that matters. Does everyone who gets angry become a murderer? Does every parent who gets frustrated with a child's behaviors become an abuser? Should every thought be subject to inquisition?
     What makes all the difference is how we deal with temptations of the spirit. Do we yield to every impulse however fleeting? Or do we understand that we are subject to anger and disappointment and frustration and exhaustion and that our inner imaginer is far more fertile than it often needs to be? Do we have the power and the will to override it when it goes beyond the boundaries? Most of us do. Whether we do so out of a fear of punishment or a love of life and civility, we choose to be moral. Without such deliberate choices, morality is a meaningless word. It is freedom of choice that creates good and evil, morality and immorality. Our reasons may vary widely, but the choices we make with our freedom are what come forth to characterize us.
     On the day I brought my purchase home, two people had a chain saw reaction. The fear in my mother's eyes struck me in mine. Her frightened expression made me even more aware of how much power she realized I had over her, and my real actions subsequently reflected who I am– a person with a developed conscience built not from fear of punishment but from respect for life and with a need to cut branches but not from the family tree.